Time...

This will be my honesty blog. I have honestly been putting off writing because I have been extremely scared and intimidated. It is very strange fore me to be scared about something, but I think that I am just scared of the emotions. I'm scared that I will be vulnerable. I'm scared that I will say or do the wrong thing. But I have realized that maybe it's ok for all of these things to happen. So here I go, embracing the inevitable.

I have been home for 9 days now and honestly it feels like it has been months already. This past week has been amazing to be with my loves again and to reunite and reconnect and try to back into life here in America, but it has also been one of the hardest weeks. If I am completely honest with myself and you all, I will have to admit that I am struggling. I feel very strange--it's almost hard to explain in words how I feel. I wish that I could let all of you in my head and heart to see what is really going on, but I will try my best to give you the best visual I can. I have come home to a place that is, with out a doubt, my home--but for some reason, I'm feeling like my home is 8,000 miles away. although my heart rejoices when I get to see people who I have missed so much and I even cry when I am reunited with some of my best friends in the world and the best family in the world, most mornings and evenings I end up spending time crying and thinking and really, not letting myself process what needs to be processed. It's almost like I am pushing it down so I don't have to think about it. Covering up my emotions so people don't think that I am weak--and if you know me, you know that this is sooooo not me! I am consistently trying to find where i "fit in" now here at home. I have realized that in my absence, life has continued forward. Life moves one even when I am not around--who would have thought?! :) I'm almost having to relearn how to do things here. Where I fit in at church, where I fit in my family, bottom line, where I fit in this world. I learned how to live with 11 other people around me 24/7...never a quiet moment, never a dull moment...laughter, crying, arguing...and now I'm alone. It's most of the time quiet...and I'm having to relearn how to live in the quiet and not with someone waiting on me outside the bathroom for me to finish (with a 5 minute shower limit!). My "norm" is no longer my "norm".

Time is my best friend at the moment. I keep telling myself time...but am I even giving myself the needed time to process? Ok, I will admit it...no, i'm not. I cover up my emotions by keeping myself busy and not letting myself FEEL what I need to feel. I haven't blogged or wrote in my journal or even read my Bible since I have been home because I knew what would happen. And I was scared, I am scared. But it's time...

You know, time has been a huge factor in this whole journey. It took time to get to Africa. it took time to adjust to africa. It took time for Africa to become my home. It took time to learn what God was teaching me. It took time to leave Africa. It is taking time for me to adjust to home. Time. During this time I have learned more than I think I have learned in my 23 years of existence, and I know I will continue learning more. I have learned the importance of family. The importance of friends. The importance of loving. The importance of transformation. The importance of finding the person who loves me for me and thinks the world of me and figuring out that I can't imagine my life without him. The importance of life. and the biggest, the Importance of God and His grace, faithfulness and provision in my life. I have learned that it is perfectly fine to not know what is next--so from now one, I will proudly say to the dreaded question "So, what is next for you?" I can reply "I don't know!" and be fine with it! My God is so faithful and I know that He is going to provide. He never said things would be easy...I may even have to struggle a little bit...but again, this is part of the process. Part of the time....

If you have made it this far reading this post--thank you! Thank you for letting me share my heart and be honest with you. It's not the easiest thing to do and I hope that you are able to follow and understand where I am coming from. Thank you for being patient with me and giving me the time and space to do what I need to do.

Here I go...embracing it. Some days will be harder and uglier than others..but I'm ready and I need it.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come and the old has gone, the new is here!"

Processing....

So I have officially said my goodbyes, spent 8 hours in the Jo’burg airport, flew for 17 hours, and have made it back to the United States at 7am. I am waiting on my connecting flight to Pensacola where I know so many await me and you have no idea how excited I am! I had even intention of writing in the Jo’burg airport, but just couldn’t yet….but on my LONG flight, I had plenty of time to think. This is just the beginning of many processing blogs, so be prepared.

Friday morning, I said goodbye to people who had become my family….a place that had become my home….and a peple and places that have completely stolen my heart. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. Of course I cried in the airport, but spent most of the 2 hour flight to Jo’burg crying…thinking…praying…laughing…missing…and loving. Because I wasn’t sure how to react or how to feel quite yet, I just got out my ipod and started listening to some good Hillsong. After a little bit of worship time, I flipped it over to one of my favorites, Brooke Fraser. The song of hers that is one of my favorites is Albertine. (If you haven’t heart it, look it up!) This song is about a person, but it applied so much to what I was feeling in my heart at that very moment, and still now. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

….Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I can not let go….
And I am on a plane, across a distant sea, but I carry you in me, like the dust on my feet…
Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I can not let go.
I will tell the world, I will tell them where I’ve been! I will keep my word, I will tell them Albertine.

Of course after hearing this, I began to cry some more. But it hit me, I have gone, I have gone to where I was called and I have seen and now I am responsible for that. I didn’t go just to say I went to Africa, I went to learn, grow, serve, and love. Although I may be 8000 miles away, I still carry Africa and my international family and the people I served in my heart back home.

This is not a goodbye to Africa. This is just the beginning. It’s time to tell the world where I’ve been and what I have seen. Because faith with out deeds is dead.

So here we go, America! Hope you are ready!

the road...

Here I am, at the end of this road. I sit here in awe of what the past 3.5 months has done to me and my heart. I am changed. This experience here in South Africa is one that will never be forgotten. I am so excited to go home and see my loved ones, yet I am so sad to be leaving this place that has become my home in such a quick time. It is such a bitter-sweet feeling. I'm leaving a piece of my heart here with South Africa as well as all of the people who I have had the honor to work along side and grow, learn, and love with.

I still need to process a lot before I can really write a full post here....so maybe on my 19 hour plane ride home, I can write. So expect something in a few days.

I am not sure if I can say it enough, but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the love and support that you have all poured out on me. I wouldn't be here and wouldn't have made it if it were not for you all.

And to the YFC team and staff and to South Africa...my love for you is enormous. I will never be the same because of you. Thank you! Take care of those little pieces of my heart for me....I WILL see you soon :)

So...here we go. Last afternoon in Capetown, SA. Last blog post from my little area in the office. But this is not the end....

See you all on American soil!

so much love to give,
Shawna