This will be my honesty blog. I have honestly been putting off writing because I have been extremely scared and intimidated. It is very strange fore me to be scared about something, but I think that I am just scared of the emotions. I'm scared that I will be vulnerable. I'm scared that I will say or do the wrong thing. But I have realized that maybe it's ok for all of these things to happen. So here I go, embracing the inevitable.
I have been home for 9 days now and honestly it feels like it has been months already. This past week has been amazing to be with my loves again and to reunite and reconnect and try to back into life here in America, but it has also been one of the hardest weeks. If I am completely honest with myself and you all, I will have to admit that I am struggling. I feel very strange--it's almost hard to explain in words how I feel. I wish that I could let all of you in my head and heart to see what is really going on, but I will try my best to give you the best visual I can. I have come home to a place that is, with out a doubt, my home--but for some reason, I'm feeling like my home is 8,000 miles away. although my heart rejoices when I get to see people who I have missed so much and I even cry when I am reunited with some of my best friends in the world and the best family in the world, most mornings and evenings I end up spending time crying and thinking and really, not letting myself process what needs to be processed. It's almost like I am pushing it down so I don't have to think about it. Covering up my emotions so people don't think that I am weak--and if you know me, you know that this is sooooo not me! I am consistently trying to find where i "fit in" now here at home. I have realized that in my absence, life has continued forward. Life moves one even when I am not around--who would have thought?! :) I'm almost having to relearn how to do things here. Where I fit in at church, where I fit in my family, bottom line, where I fit in this world. I learned how to live with 11 other people around me 24/7...never a quiet moment, never a dull moment...laughter, crying, arguing...and now I'm alone. It's most of the time quiet...and I'm having to relearn how to live in the quiet and not with someone waiting on me outside the bathroom for me to finish (with a 5 minute shower limit!). My "norm" is no longer my "norm".
Time is my best friend at the moment. I keep telling myself time...but am I even giving myself the needed time to process? Ok, I will admit it...no, i'm not. I cover up my emotions by keeping myself busy and not letting myself FEEL what I need to feel. I haven't blogged or wrote in my journal or even read my Bible since I have been home because I knew what would happen. And I was scared, I am scared. But it's time...
You know, time has been a huge factor in this whole journey. It took time to get to Africa. it took time to adjust to africa. It took time for Africa to become my home. It took time to learn what God was teaching me. It took time to leave Africa. It is taking time for me to adjust to home. Time. During this time I have learned more than I think I have learned in my 23 years of existence, and I know I will continue learning more. I have learned the importance of family. The importance of friends. The importance of loving. The importance of transformation. The importance of finding the person who loves me for me and thinks the world of me and figuring out that I can't imagine my life without him. The importance of life. and the biggest, the Importance of God and His grace, faithfulness and provision in my life. I have learned that it is perfectly fine to not know what is next--so from now one, I will proudly say to the dreaded question "So, what is next for you?" I can reply "I don't know!" and be fine with it! My God is so faithful and I know that He is going to provide. He never said things would be easy...I may even have to struggle a little bit...but again, this is part of the process. Part of the time....
If you have made it this far reading this post--thank you! Thank you for letting me share my heart and be honest with you. It's not the easiest thing to do and I hope that you are able to follow and understand where I am coming from. Thank you for being patient with me and giving me the time and space to do what I need to do.
Here I go...embracing it. Some days will be harder and uglier than others..but I'm ready and I need it.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come and the old has gone, the new is here!"
Shawna,
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I love that you have put some things out there that might have been hard to swallow or even accept, but there's a certain tenderness to your words, and I'm sure your heart feels a little more peaceful (probably ONLY a little). Although I have never been on a journey like the beautiful experience that you have embarked on, I think i know some of what you are feeling. Time is a nagging factor no matter where you are, where you come from, or where you've been, but in those times of anxious anticipation I've learned to do things to quiet my soul...for me it's writing or sitting in silence. I get the feeling you know what those things are for you too, but you haven't let yourself. I think you're on your way though :) Please know how happy we all are to have you home in America, but know that I feel for you and pray for peace and happiness to settle within your soul again soon. So glad you shared this with us!
Love you,
Val
hey shawna that had to be hard to write but im gald u shared. i keep telling u we r alot alike and i pray that u dont spend most of ur life trying to figure out who u r, i had just come to realize i am who i am last month it took me 53 years, i will share that story with u at another time, praying, playing my guitar, helping others and riding my bike gives me alot of comfort, my wife is always supportive of me and understands that most times im nuts but in a good way, i need to take u on a bike ride in the country some day its very mind clearing
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You are so inspiring! Just always remember it is ok to "not know" what is next!! Always follow your heart :)
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