1942...

Well, it's been a while blog world...but here I am, ready to pour it out!

I sit here on the eve of Christmas eve and just have a ton of different things going on in my head. I think back a year ago to what I was preparing for...I was getting ready to leave for South Africa and the emotions that were going through me were some that I miss. So much has happened in the past year. I can honestly say my life has been changed in many different ways by many different things. I also can't believe that in just several short months (5.5ish to be exact) I will be marrying the man of my dreams. I love reminiscing about my time in SA and have been doing so lately, and yes, it usually makes me cry. My heart misses SA and the people who I have the honor to have in my life.

As I sat around today with my Dad's side of the family, doing the Christmas thing, tears were brought to my eyes as I sat and watching my Oma (grandmother) struggle trying to remember where she was, who we are, and what year it was. When asked what year it was, she responded quickly, "1942." She is living in a time of her life where she had no worries..she go to travel this world with the love of her life...and as she comes to the end of this life here on earth, she is going on great adventures with her love....how can I be sad about that? I can only pray that when I grow old with Ben...and I'm asked what year it is, I will boldly say "2012!" because this is when I get to start my great adventure with my love.

I realize this is a lot of rambling...but it needed to happen.

A year later...an amazing year... a life changing year.

Excited to see what 2012 brings!

Merry Christmas, friends!

Waiting

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

Over the last few months I have held on to this scripture. To hold on and wait for what the Lord has in store for me. Whatever that may be. I guess you can say that I have been struggling with patience over the last several months. Wanting answers to questions NOW and wanting them to be my answers. I wanted to know what was next for me. I was reminded often....very often by many people to just be patient. honestly, I was so tired of hearing the word patience. But I knew in my heart that God had a plan for me and that He would reveal it on His time, not mine.

If you would have asked me a year ago what I would be doing 8 months after I finished my college degree, I probably would have given you the answer you wanted to hear. Let's just say, I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, and I am absolutely, perfectly ok with that. In the last 8 months i have had the opportunity to serve in South Africa, to find what Shawna really is, to grown in my relationship with Christ, and now, gladly able to say I'm officially a fiancée. I in no way can complain about my life. I am blessed.

Now....let me tell you a little story. Thursday, July 28, 2011 changed my life.
This particular day started out as an ordinary day in Shreveport, LA, where Ben has been working all summer. He was at work on this day, so I had plenty of time to do whatever I wanted....so of course, I laid by the pool, read a book, watched tv, took a nap, and did laundry. typical. Later that evening my sweet Ben invited me on a coffee date followed by a nice, fancy dinner. If you know me, you know I like coffee, food, and wearing a pretty dress--so I jumped at this offer. As we arrived at starbucks, we ordered our drinks and sat in what I called the "lovers" corner back in the back...Ben then proceeded to grab our drinks from the bar and walk over to the table and we began to chat. (Now,keep in mind, I have been very patient with Mr. Benjamin and his timing of things cough engagement cough so he always likes to tease me with it) He sits down and asks me if I would marry him if all he could afford was an "engagement" iced coffee instead of a ring. I of course said no! He then said what about to iced coffee's and a ring later? I was beginning to get aggravated because I knew he was just messing with me...I said Maybe....the he began to move his cup over towards me and said, What about 2 iced coffee's and a little extra something...as he removed his hand from the top of his cup where a beautiful ring was placed on the straw. My first reaction I said hastily, SHUT UP!!! at this point, I thought he was joking and playing a cruel joke on me...this was not the case. He then got down on one knee, in Starbucks, and asked me if i would spend the rest of my life with him. of course....i said YES!!!! and the tears started....We spent the majority of the night calling and texting people to share our news and spending time together already discussing wedding ideas. I feel like since that night, I haven't stopped smiling.

I say all of this to say....waiting, it sure did suck, but man am I so glad I did....I am honestly the luckiest girl in this world and could not have asked for a better future husband. Everything in life has led up to this point and I am just in awe. God is so good. I could not ask for better friends, for a better family, for a better group of "in-laws", for a better God, and for a better life. Although I know how blessed I am, this past week I was reminded at how God really does work in His timing.

Patience and waiting....two very important things in this life....
"Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."

So very thankful. for everything. and all of you.

blessings,
Future Mrs. A :)

asking, seeking, knocking

Well, yet again, it's been far too long since I last wrote. And again, it is because I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling or what emotions would come up. I have now been home from South Africa for over a month and so much has happened since I have been home! I have been reunited with people whom I love so dearly, I have danced in Disney world with some of the best girls and dancers I know, I have laid in the Florida sunshine, I have obtained a job (or 2) as a Nanny, I have spent time with my family, I have spent time with the man I love, I have seen devastation sweep across the south, I have cried, I have laughed, I have hurt, I have questioned, I have had to make hard decisions, I have made easy decisions, but I always find myself in the same spot even after all of this and that is Asking, seeking, and knocking. In Matthew 7: 7-9, it says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." I find myself doing this almost daily, but truly not following through with it. I'm asking, I'm seeking, I'm knocking, but I'm sure as heck not listening to what He is saying. Something that keeps coming up in my heart and my head is the scripture about the roads and gates...Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." It hit me that maybe I'm trying too hard, or trying to go the way through the wide gate because I'm just searching for something but really, I need to be going through the small gate and the narrow road. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe He is trying to reveal to me that what He has in store for me is not what I expect and is down a road that I may not even be looking down at the moment. If I'm honest, I'm still scared of what is to come for me, but I know, with all of my heart, that His provision is unfailing. Who said this would be easy?

I started thinking about my new, adult life that I have to start living up to. Not only am I a college graduate, I am an adult that has to REALLY start paying bills--who knew that there were so many expenses once you were a REAL grown up. I thought I had a lot before, ohhh lawd, those were nothing! :) Besides all of that, I know that God is teaching me daily...I know that He is showing me things about life and where I'm going and what my next "path" is, but I just need to open up my eyes, open my ears, trust, and take that step of faith.

It's not just about asking, seeking, and knocking, but about listening.

Ears are open...let's do this!

Time...

This will be my honesty blog. I have honestly been putting off writing because I have been extremely scared and intimidated. It is very strange fore me to be scared about something, but I think that I am just scared of the emotions. I'm scared that I will be vulnerable. I'm scared that I will say or do the wrong thing. But I have realized that maybe it's ok for all of these things to happen. So here I go, embracing the inevitable.

I have been home for 9 days now and honestly it feels like it has been months already. This past week has been amazing to be with my loves again and to reunite and reconnect and try to back into life here in America, but it has also been one of the hardest weeks. If I am completely honest with myself and you all, I will have to admit that I am struggling. I feel very strange--it's almost hard to explain in words how I feel. I wish that I could let all of you in my head and heart to see what is really going on, but I will try my best to give you the best visual I can. I have come home to a place that is, with out a doubt, my home--but for some reason, I'm feeling like my home is 8,000 miles away. although my heart rejoices when I get to see people who I have missed so much and I even cry when I am reunited with some of my best friends in the world and the best family in the world, most mornings and evenings I end up spending time crying and thinking and really, not letting myself process what needs to be processed. It's almost like I am pushing it down so I don't have to think about it. Covering up my emotions so people don't think that I am weak--and if you know me, you know that this is sooooo not me! I am consistently trying to find where i "fit in" now here at home. I have realized that in my absence, life has continued forward. Life moves one even when I am not around--who would have thought?! :) I'm almost having to relearn how to do things here. Where I fit in at church, where I fit in my family, bottom line, where I fit in this world. I learned how to live with 11 other people around me 24/7...never a quiet moment, never a dull moment...laughter, crying, arguing...and now I'm alone. It's most of the time quiet...and I'm having to relearn how to live in the quiet and not with someone waiting on me outside the bathroom for me to finish (with a 5 minute shower limit!). My "norm" is no longer my "norm".

Time is my best friend at the moment. I keep telling myself time...but am I even giving myself the needed time to process? Ok, I will admit it...no, i'm not. I cover up my emotions by keeping myself busy and not letting myself FEEL what I need to feel. I haven't blogged or wrote in my journal or even read my Bible since I have been home because I knew what would happen. And I was scared, I am scared. But it's time...

You know, time has been a huge factor in this whole journey. It took time to get to Africa. it took time to adjust to africa. It took time for Africa to become my home. It took time to learn what God was teaching me. It took time to leave Africa. It is taking time for me to adjust to home. Time. During this time I have learned more than I think I have learned in my 23 years of existence, and I know I will continue learning more. I have learned the importance of family. The importance of friends. The importance of loving. The importance of transformation. The importance of finding the person who loves me for me and thinks the world of me and figuring out that I can't imagine my life without him. The importance of life. and the biggest, the Importance of God and His grace, faithfulness and provision in my life. I have learned that it is perfectly fine to not know what is next--so from now one, I will proudly say to the dreaded question "So, what is next for you?" I can reply "I don't know!" and be fine with it! My God is so faithful and I know that He is going to provide. He never said things would be easy...I may even have to struggle a little bit...but again, this is part of the process. Part of the time....

If you have made it this far reading this post--thank you! Thank you for letting me share my heart and be honest with you. It's not the easiest thing to do and I hope that you are able to follow and understand where I am coming from. Thank you for being patient with me and giving me the time and space to do what I need to do.

Here I go...embracing it. Some days will be harder and uglier than others..but I'm ready and I need it.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come and the old has gone, the new is here!"

Processing....

So I have officially said my goodbyes, spent 8 hours in the Jo’burg airport, flew for 17 hours, and have made it back to the United States at 7am. I am waiting on my connecting flight to Pensacola where I know so many await me and you have no idea how excited I am! I had even intention of writing in the Jo’burg airport, but just couldn’t yet….but on my LONG flight, I had plenty of time to think. This is just the beginning of many processing blogs, so be prepared.

Friday morning, I said goodbye to people who had become my family….a place that had become my home….and a peple and places that have completely stolen my heart. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. Of course I cried in the airport, but spent most of the 2 hour flight to Jo’burg crying…thinking…praying…laughing…missing…and loving. Because I wasn’t sure how to react or how to feel quite yet, I just got out my ipod and started listening to some good Hillsong. After a little bit of worship time, I flipped it over to one of my favorites, Brooke Fraser. The song of hers that is one of my favorites is Albertine. (If you haven’t heart it, look it up!) This song is about a person, but it applied so much to what I was feeling in my heart at that very moment, and still now. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

….Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I can not let go….
And I am on a plane, across a distant sea, but I carry you in me, like the dust on my feet…
Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I can not let go.
I will tell the world, I will tell them where I’ve been! I will keep my word, I will tell them Albertine.

Of course after hearing this, I began to cry some more. But it hit me, I have gone, I have gone to where I was called and I have seen and now I am responsible for that. I didn’t go just to say I went to Africa, I went to learn, grow, serve, and love. Although I may be 8000 miles away, I still carry Africa and my international family and the people I served in my heart back home.

This is not a goodbye to Africa. This is just the beginning. It’s time to tell the world where I’ve been and what I have seen. Because faith with out deeds is dead.

So here we go, America! Hope you are ready!

the road...

Here I am, at the end of this road. I sit here in awe of what the past 3.5 months has done to me and my heart. I am changed. This experience here in South Africa is one that will never be forgotten. I am so excited to go home and see my loved ones, yet I am so sad to be leaving this place that has become my home in such a quick time. It is such a bitter-sweet feeling. I'm leaving a piece of my heart here with South Africa as well as all of the people who I have had the honor to work along side and grow, learn, and love with.

I still need to process a lot before I can really write a full post here....so maybe on my 19 hour plane ride home, I can write. So expect something in a few days.

I am not sure if I can say it enough, but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the love and support that you have all poured out on me. I wouldn't be here and wouldn't have made it if it were not for you all.

And to the YFC team and staff and to South Africa...my love for you is enormous. I will never be the same because of you. Thank you! Take care of those little pieces of my heart for me....I WILL see you soon :)

So...here we go. Last afternoon in Capetown, SA. Last blog post from my little area in the office. But this is not the end....

See you all on American soil!

so much love to give,
Shawna

10

Family…. I would define family in many different ways. I have an amazing family back home in Florida. Not only a family of relatives, but a family of amazing friends. I can say that I have the best, biggest, most loving, most supportive family ever. It constantly blows me away at how much I am loved and how much each of you believe in me and support me. I know I say it a lot, but I truly wouldn’t have made it through this journey with out you. I am where I am today because of you and I am who I am today because of you. In 8 days, I get on a plane to come home to my family. I cannot express to you in words how excited I am to see each one of you, to give you all some Shawna hugs, and to tell you about my journey here in South Africa. It makes me all giddy inside!

But knowing that I have to leave this family here in South Africa is really starting to weigh on my heart. I never would have expected to come into this and get another family out of it. I have had the honor to walk alongside these 11 people in my house for these 3 months and I can honestly say, I am forever changed by them. I think that God wanted me to realize something about friendship, about relationships, and about family. All of us in this house all come from different countries, different backgrounds, we are different colors, but one thing that is the same is the love we all have. As I sat in my room the other night with my roommate Blue, literally laughing until we couldn’t breathe and there were tears running down our faces, I realized that I cannot take ANY relationship for granted. Life is too short to let the little things in life take priority over the relationships in my life….over my family.

It hit me that I am going to have to leave this family just like I left my family three months ago to come here. The same emotions are running through me as they were in December before I came here. I had to say goodbye to my Dani on Monday. The first of many goodbyes. And we all know me, of course I was quite weepy. Not only did we start this journey together, we learned together, grew together, conquered together, laughed together, cried together, and loved together. LIFE.IS.CHANGED.

Dani, Kadder, Isa, Blue, Erna, Kelsey, Catriona, Sarah, Vovo, and Trevor. You will carry a piece of my heart to all corners of the world. Thank you for your love. It has changed me. I now have a new, international family ☺

To my family back home. You are all amazing. My love for you is indescribable. Thank you for your love and for walking with me through this journey.

And then there were 10….for 8 more days!

Much love!